Leeks and Hypnosis
by MoonDeity
Summary: Kagura shows her emotions through violence. Ever wonder what she'd be like in the bed? Rated T for language, violence, and just a little sexual foreplay. No pairings, just hilarity.
1. The Thing with the Place

**MoonDeity:** Oh, wow, has this place ever changed! Hey, all, I'm back! After what, six months of absence from Anyway, I hope this is a triumphant return, because here's my Fruits Basket Valentine's Day special! Dedicated especially to my friend Terra, who is an avid fan of Kyo and Hatsuharu (what does she see in them, anyway?).

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I want to own it.

"I am the Wall Oracle! You, sir, are a Tumor Bean! " --Wall Oracle Terra.

**Chapter 1:**

**The Thing With The Place**

The Saturday of February 12 dawned peacefully on Shigure Sohma's house, cool and aquamarine despite all the terrors that could go on underneath the roof. Shigure himself was plodding down the hallway, singing his 'breakfast song' while the scent of Tohru's delicious cooking saturated through the paper doorways. Such smells usually aroused the sleepy Yuki and the butt-lazy Kyo from their beds, and, true enough, they soon were slugging themselves down the steps and to the table.

"Eat up guys!" , Tohru chirped in her annoying tone as she placed a bowl of rice and stir-fried fish underneath the Zodiac member's noses. Shigure, always smiling despite the early hour, thanked Tohru and politely began eating, while Kyo just kind of slopped his food around and somehow got it to his mouth. Yuki watched his antics with the glare accustomed to their rivalry, as he popped food into his mouth and made casual conversation with Tohru.

"You know, Tohru, Valentine's Day is just around the corner," Yuki commented, and Tohru's eyes got wide.

"Oh course!" , she said, spinning her head around to face the calendar. "I almost forgot! And to think you all wouldn't have Valentine's chocolates if you hadn't reminded me. I'll have to buy some more this year because of Kisa-san and all the other Zodiac members I've met. This is our second Valentine's Day, after all! Oh, my, I wonder what we'll do for White Day…"

As Tohru babbled on and on in her usual manner, Kyo got up and tossed his dishes on the counter, then began rooting through the pantry as if looking for something. Shigure watched him curiously from over by the table, the Cat setting out cans, chopsticks, and soy sauce packets on the counter. Finally, he said something.

"Whatcha looking for, Kyo?"

"None of your goddamn business."

At the exercise of Kyo's favorite word, Tohru and Yuki looked up, and soon all eyes were upon the Cat. He began to sweat, pressured by the eyes, and soon he gave up and relented.

"All right! It's Valentine's Day, and soon that bitch Kagura will soon be here to beat me up and make me eat chocolate. So, this year, I'm not taking any chances! I'm going on that journey before it's too late!"

Tohru blinked her eyes, Yuki sweated, and Shigure simply sipped his tea. Kyo loaded up on an armful of instant ramen and began to run toward the door.

"I'll buy everything else at the store!" , he exclaimed, grabbing his jacket, sprinting down the hall. Tohru and Yuki rushed to the door and poked their heads out. Tohru began babbling on in her frenzied tone as Kyo ran from room to room collecting random articles that might be of use to him.

"Kyo! Are you sure? So soon, I mean, I could pack a lunch for you o-or bring you a backpack! Are you sure that jacket is warm enough? And do you even have any money? What about band-aids? I could fix you up with a first aid kit, or a sleeping bag, or just a tarp if you don't want that, or—"

"Screw the tarp! I'll sleep in a tree!" , he yelled, and came out of a room to the left, skidded, took a sharp turn, and ran hell for leather for the front door, his head practically buried under provisions and other supplies.

"Every second wasted is a second she gets nearer!' he yelled over his shoulder. "I mean, she could be right down the street! Or in the front yard! Or even at the do—"

The door zipped open suddenly right in front of Kyo's face, he tripped, and ran smack dab into none other than Ayame….and Kagura.

 Love is Evol 

"KYOOOOOOO!"

A shriek that sounded like a cross between a dying bull and a sick maticore tore through the house as Kagura latched firmly onto Kyo's chest and began squeezing.

"Oh, Kyo, my love! Did you miss me? It's been sooooo long since I've seen you, Kyo! I brought you a heart stuffed full of my love! EAT IT!"

Screams, the snapping of ribs, and Kagura's wail echoed throughout the Sohma household. Totally normal chaos, as they say, and Yuki, Ayame, and Shigure sat sipping their tea quietly in the kitchen. Tohru had gone off to prepare rooms for Ayame and Kagura, under the presumption that they'd be staying the night. And Kyo was trying, fruitlessly, to get away from Kagura's grip.

"Ow, bitch, leggo!"

"Why don't you ever eat my chocolate, Kyo?"

"I don't want you're damn chocolate! You always give me chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered oranges, chocolate covered shoelaces, chocolate soap…."

"I got that soap for you so we could bathe together and have a yummy dessert while we do it!"

"WHAT! GAH, WOMAN, YOU'RE SICK!"

"Waaa….Kyo…."

Ayame chuckled as the Cat ran past the doorway with Kagura hot on his trail.

"You know, Shigure, that last comment about the soap really tells me that Kagura is starting to feel passionately about Kyo," Ayame commented, gazing at the Dog over the rim of his teacup.

"I was thinking the same thing," Shigure said, setting down his tea. "I wonder how Kyo will deal with it if Kagura expects the you-know-what."

"She'll be a dominatrix, that's for sure."

"And just when I thought my house was past the point of destruction…."

There was a silence for a few moments, the three Zodiac members quietly sipping their tea. Ayame suddenly burst out in laughter, set down his tea, pointing at Shigure.

"Oh, goodness! Do you remember when we did it to 'Hari in tenth grade?"

Shigure's eyes widened and he began laughing.

"The thing, or the other thing with the place?"

"The thing with the place!"

"Ah, goodness, that was good! Hey…do you think we could do it today?"

Ayame snorted, and Yuki raised an eyebrow.

"'It?'" ,he thought as he stared at his giggling relatives. Ayame turned to Shigure, mischief reflected in his eyes.

"Oh! God, he'd kill us!"

"Well, it can't be as bad as what 'Hari did to us after it!"

"Do you think we should…?"

"Why not? It's Valentine's Day, of course!"

"And Tohru would approve…"

The two Zodiac members smiled deviously at each other, and clapped hands in a pact.

"We'll do it!"

"Yeah!"

"I'll call the spa!"

"I'll get the baggage!"

"This'll be so good! Do you have the camera?"

"The camera…yeah, I have the camera, but do you have the oil?"

"I might have the oil here somewhere…"

Shigure and Ayame scrambled around outside of the kitchen, tossing various things to each other. Yuki sat in a confused stupor with his teacup still in one hand; Shigure and Ayame's were spilled across the table because they had gotten up in such a haste. He sighed, and then rose from his sitting position.

"Why should I get meddled in with their affairs?" he thought as he rinsed his cup at the counter. "After all, if it concerns Kyo, it shouldn't concern me…."

A crash from the other end of the house signified that Kyo, or Kagura, had broken another door. Yuki sighed and placed his cup in the rack to dry. Even though he knew he should stay out of it, curiosity was overwhelming him. What was 'it'? What did Shigure and Ayame do to 'Hari that was so terrible? They spoke of the after-effect like it was something they didn't want to go through again.

"It's none of you're business, Yuki," he told himself as another crash resonated through the household. Shigure and Ayame skidded into the kitchen at that moment, carrying a brown sack and looking mighty suspicious. Ayame yanked open the drawer and began fishing through it frantically, pulling out all the spoons and throwing them into the sack.

"That's all the spoons!" ,he panted. "Now we need to find cucumbers and carrots!"

Shigure and Ayame ran out of the room, leaving a spoonless Yuki standing there feeling about as ignored as a novel of advanced European literature amongst a stack of action manga. He went to the door and stared out after his relatives as they pinned down Kyo and were talking to him and Kagura.

"What's this about?" , he wondered as he gazed at the babbling Shigure. "What are they going to do?"

He was lost, but as he listened to the Dog speak, his eyes grew wide with recognition, and realization. A small tingle began to rise in the back of his throat, and he turned away, clasping his hand over his mouth. It parted past his lips like a warm wave and soon overcame him; his sides were shaking. Yuki was giggling. The prince was giggling like a little pre-teen girl. Giggling at the very idea of what Shigure and Ayame were about to do…

**MoonDeity: **Well? cricket chirps No one loves me….

**Note: **There really is a nationally manufactured chocolate soap.


	2. A Certain Blue Pill

**MoonDeity: **Blah, blah, blah. I'm writing this in the library.

**Disclaimer:** To the person who owns Fruits Basket: Please. I beg of you. Keep your anime FAR away from me. I'd not like to touch it, much less own it.

"Gay vampire! WOOLOOLOOMOOLO!" -Jacob

**Chapter 2: **

A Certain Blue Pill 

"So…Shigure…."

Kyo's voice was strangely calm and level.

"Remind me why…yet again…remind me why I'm sitting next to Kagura….ON THE WAY TO THE HOT SPRINGS?"

Shigure's hair was fanned back from his forehead by the blast from Kyo. The orange-haired one was looming over him, beats of sweat trickling down his face and his eyes dilated with anger. He was as angry as a, well, a cat drenched in water. Shigure smiled in his mediocre fashion.

"Because, Kyo, it'll be good for you and Kagura to spend some quality time together. To sort out your differences…to bond…to chat…to create babies…"

"CREATE BABIES? HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET AGAIN?"

"Oh, heavens, no!" ,Ayame laughed. "That was last week! And besides, Shigure and I will be there with you two! Although…"

Ayame glanced at Shigure and smiled deviously.

"We might be busy having our own personal 'chatting time.' Eh, Shigure?"

"Oh, Ayame, stop it! You're making me blush!"

"You blushed harder last week in the book store…"

Kyo's veins were popping out of his forehead in anger, but he was pulled down to the seat by Kagura. The Boar hadn't let go of his arm since they'd boarded the bus. She smiled at his furious face.

"Come on, Kyo-Kyo! It's VALENTINE'S DAY. Don't you want to do something romantic with your fiancé?"

"For the last time! I'm not going to marry you!"

"Now, Kyo…" Shigure interrupted, wagging his finger at him.

"Don't 'Kyo' me!" ,the Cat yelled. "I didn't ask to be taken on this stupid trip! What fun is being stuck with her anyway?"

Kagura stuck out her lower lip and squeezed Kyo's arm tighter. Kyo winced as he felt that certain bone snap for the third time that day. What the hell was Shigure planning anyway, taking him, out of the blue and with no consent on his part, to the hot springs? That creepy lady would be there, screaming and running around underneath that mat thing again…oh, god, what if she got with him in the hot tub like last time? What if she made that fifty-five-course miso dinner like last time? Kyo's memories of last time were not quite pleasant.

When the bus pulled up to the hot spring entrance, everything looked quiet and still. Kyo stepped off the bus cautiously after his elders with Kagura clinging to his arm. Shigure was looking thoughtfully at a note pinned to the post by the entrance. It read:

Shigure— 

_Gone to Hiroshima with Riku for a therapy session. Will bring back souvenirs. So sorry that we couldn't be here. _

_Huggles and Kisses, _

_Creepy Hot Springs Lady _

Shigure sighed and turned to Ayame and the others.

"Looks like we'll have to fend for ourselves," he said, slightly melodramatic. "Kyo, get the bags."

"Me!" ,he exclaimed as Kagura, Ayame, and Shigure began walking off. "What happened to fend for ourselves?"

"We are," Ayame answered. "By making you lift the luggage. Now get in gear, Kyo-Kyo!"

Kyo grumbled, and stalked off to lug the bags to the house.

"Not Kyo-Kyo," he muttered, and fervently began to drag the fifty-ton bags (Ayame had brought his hair-care kit) through the entrance, up the steps, and into their large room.

By the time everyone had gotten unpacked, and settled in, dinnertime had rolled around and Kyo was starving. So, being the parasitic creature he was, he went and whined to Ayame and Shigure about it. The two looked amusingly down at the orange-headed creature, got up, and, surprisingly willingly, went out to buy groceries. Leaving Kagura and Kyo utterly, and completely, alone.

They sat together in silence in the front room, Kagura seated on a couch, and Kyo lounging on a chair near her. They each had a glass of cool tea in front of them. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock echoing throughout the room. Things were surprisingly calm. Kyo felt that he needed the time for his bones to knit.

Kagura picked up her tea and sipped it quietly. Kyo rested his chin on his palm and stared at the door. Would they be out all night, or what? His stomach grumbled, and he spanked it. He was so hungry. Why did that lady have to go out and leave them with no food in the fridge? Come to think of it, he hadn't even checked to see if there was food, but Shigure and Ayame both said it was as empty as his head. Kyo still didn't get that joke.

While he was deep in his shallow musings, Kagura was drinking her tea silently. Simply being in the same silent room as Kyo was pleasant to her, like his presence was soothing. She sighed in content, glanced at the clock, the second hand flicking around the round circle, and drank deeply from her cup, draining it. She swallowed, and felt something hard slide down her throat. Kagura blinked. Nani? She looked at the bottom of her cup, where a few drops of amber tea glimmered out from the crevice of the rim, and…a strange powdery substance. A substance floating near the tea, half-dissolved. And it was then that Kagura felt the tingle reverberating in her thighs.

Her cup slipped from her fingers and dropped to the floor. Kyo jerked his head up from the door and stared at her. Kagura was trembling. No, vibrating, shivering like she was covered in snow. Kyo, alarmed, crossed over to her and repeated her name.

"Kagura?" ,he asked. "Kagura? What's wrong?"

It was then he spotted the cup. He snatched it up from the floor, his heart pounding, and stared in perplexed horror at the substance at the bottom of her cup. Normally, if it was normal poison, Kyo would be freaking out and running around in never-ending circles. But this wasn't poison. It was much worse. And Kyo wasn't freaking out. He was pissing in his pants and having a brain hemorrhage. See the blood leaking from his ears?

Anyway, as he turned, shaking, to Kagura, he saw what he had expected and what he had feared. That tingle Kagura was feeling had escalated into a surge that was overtaking her entire body. Kyo saw her breasts fill up with milk and turn hard, so hard that her shirt ripped and she was standing there as the elastic snapped from her bra. Kyo also noted the strange substance leaking out from her pant leg, dripping, no, streaming onto the floor. With horror blinding his eyes, he fumbled underneath the couch, between Kagura's legs (which probably was the least wisest spot to be in right now, but, hey, this is Kyo we're talking about here) and produced a packet. A packet that was empty, void of certain blue pills. That substance was blue. These pills were blue, and diamond shaped. How could they? What were they thinking? An entire box of Viagra, was just emptied into Kagura's tea.

Kyo straightened up, the box falling from his trembling hands, and turned to run. But something caught on the edge of his shirt, and pulled him down to the floor. Looking back, he saw with horror what was pinning down his shirt and keeping him from fleeing. It was a dildo.

**MoonDeity: **Ah…that was fun. Took forever to write, but that was indeed fun. All flames will be soaked with water and beaten with Barbie dolls. Tera.


	3. The Screaming Fox

**MoonDeity: **Like I said before, this fic is for my friend, Terra. I know, don't yell at me. This was kind of late, as it was intended to be a Valentine's Day special, but you know. I space things. Like I still need to play that FMA game Donny lent me. And he still needs to return my YYH DVD! And that videotape! And I need to go to the library. Wow, I shouldn't even be writing this, then…

**Disclaimer:** Keep your rights to yourself. I don't want anything to do with your anime.

"I'll have the cream of Sum Yung Gai." --Sam

**Chapter 3: **

The Screaming Fox 

Let us, then, go back in time to the morning of February 13, right after Shigure, Ayame, Kyo, and Kagura left for the hot springs. Tohru had left the house going grocery shopping, and, with nothing else to do, Yuki decided to travel to the main Sohma house. Normally, Yuki would have like to drop a nuke on it instead of drop by for a polite visit. But he needed to further investigate the matter at hand, and to do that, he needed to talk to 'Hari.

Yuki found him in his office typing up paper work. Politely knocking, 'Hari turned his head and looked with surprise at Yuki.

"Yuki," he said, getting up from his seat. "What are you doing here? Where are the others?"

Yuki stepped in the room.

"I need to talk to you. May I sit down?"

'Hari had invited him in and offered tea. They sat at a low table with their legs crossed underneath. The sliding door was open to let a fresh breeze in the musty room.

"What did you need to ask, Yuki?" ,'Hari inquired. Yuki shifted his weight.

"I need to ask you about something that happened in tenth grade," he finally said. 'Hari sipped his tea.

"If it's about the bunny rabbit incident and the mannequins, I'm not saying anything."

"It's not about that."

"Oh?" 'Hari raised his eyebrow. Yuki fidgeted with his cup.

"Did something happen in tenth grade? Something…weird? Something Ayame and Shigure did to you?", he asked in a low voice. 'Hari remained expressionless.

"They did a lot of things to me in tenth grade," he said, gazing out the window. "They made me fail this math test, lose all my money at a junior gambling pit, made me live in a tree for three weeks. Made me join the 'Solo Adventures' club, made me attend a Michael Jackson concert, made me dress up as Batman and leap tall buildings in the middle of the night….made me read sho-jo mangas for seven weeks….made me lose my virginity to a Swedish whore, made me eat one of my own testicles—"

"Okay, whoa."

Yuki held out his hands. Unpleasant images were going through his mind. "Let's stop right there. What I meant was, what was the worst thing that happened to you in tenth grade?"

'Hari clasped his chin and thought.

"Well…there was this one time on Valentine's Day when they thought it was funny to hypnotize this girl, poison her with a stimulant, and sleep with me."

Yuki's heart jumped.

"Go on."

'Hari brushed his hair from his eyes.

"It was the day before Valentine's Day, and we all cut school. We were relaxing at a café, pretty crowded with students, especially pretty girls. Ayame and Shigure had brought this pack of serum, taken from the endorphin of the brain of a rare Kazakhstanian Kickapoo screaming fox."

Yuki said nothing.

"It was the only substitute for Viagra we had back then. It was very strong too, but worked only twice as fast as a Viagra does. So, Shigure and Ayame disappeared for five minutes. I was too preoccupied with my pants zipper to notice. When they came back, they were towing this girl behind them. They threw her on my lap. Now, the only thing I remember after that was something wet leaking into my lap. She opened her eyes and looked at me. The rest of it was a blur. Quite literally."

'Hari breathed inward, sipped his tea, and continued.

"When I woke up, I was dangling by my shirt from the flag pole outside of the school. That exact same girl was latched onto my cock as it waved below me. I discovered it had grown to a length of five meters. I realized that, by looking into my eyes, this sexually aroused female had blanked me out with hypnosis, and performed lewd acts with me. The cock, unfortunately, shrunk back to its former two-inch size, but I had to drag the thing behind me like it was a tail for two weeks. I never even got the girl's name as well. I think it was Kat…or Geranium, or Jessi…or Puppet…"

'Hari sipped his tea, swallowed and continued.

"Of course, after that disgraceful incident, I forced Ayame and Shigure to walk around with two foot icicles rammed up their asses for a few months. It was shoddy retribution, but it worked. And that, Yuki, is the end."

The Prince just sat there. Stoned as a rock. Images, even more unpleasant than before were flashing through his mind. What. The. Fuck. Screaming fox? Two-foot icicles? This was what was going on? Little did he know, that right that instant, in about two hours, Kyo was getting his end of the dildo.

**Never again**

Kyo was screaming. Not only was he screaming, but he was screaming like a little girl who just had a worm put in her hair. Why was Kyo screaming? He was being dragged down the hallway of the spa, by a Viagra-induced martial-arts female who just skipped five bra sizes. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Kagura was totally out of it. The flow of wet opaque fluid had changed from a stream to a gush, and Kyo had the unfortunate occurrence of having his face smeared in the trail of cum as he was dragged along. Could a whole pack of Viagra really do this? Friends, you have no idea.

Once, I fed a whole pack of Viagra to a squirrel. It ran around in circles about five hundred times, and exploded.

Now, while this effect doesn't happen to humans, whose bodies are more adept at handling such an immense dosage, this did do quite a number on Kagura's brain. Such a forceful use of stimulants had triggered the extravert personality trait within her, a trait that commonly belongs to social, uninhibited people. This trait is quite important to positive intercourse between a normal male and female. However, since this trait was greatly inflated, this made Kagura quite daring. Dangerously daring…

They had reached the bedroom. Kagura threw Kyo inside, her muscle were so amplified that she broke the bed when Kyo landed on top of it. As Kyo watched in horror, Kagura tore off her remaining clothes until they were scraps. Her head hanging low, she approached the bed where Kyo now was trembling. She loomed over him. Kyo looked into her eyes. And sent a shriek coiling up to the night sky.

**MoonDeity: ** Mmmm….creamy. Don't yell at me. I rated this R for a reason. This is it. Think you've had enough? You've just got the appetizer…

**Note:** Kazakhstan is a real country south of the Russian boarder, occupied by members of the Turko-Tartar people, a Muslim group.

**Double Note:** The Kickapoo are a native North American Indian group who inhabited southwestern Wisconsin. It is also the name for an Algonquian language.

**Triple Note:** Endorphin is a chemical narcotic produced by the brain. Endorphin is released when severe injury occurs, abolishing all sense of pain. The pain-relieving effect is that of 6.5 times that of regular morphine.

**Quadruple Note: **Extravert is a personality trait associated with socially active, daring people. It is co-related with sexual behaviors. People with extravert personalities report more satisfaction during sex, average more than three sexual positions, and engage in more sexual foreplay.


	4. The Dominatrix

**MoonDeity: **This be the address for Terra's website:  I highly suggest you check it out. Her art is quite good. Yes, Terra is an artist. Though she never colors anything. And she has this whole freaking shit-heap of Prisma-Colored pencils at her house. You know, not everyone has Prisma-Colored pencils, Terra. So you're just going to let them rot in your closet, eh? Why won't you color…it looks so good when you color. I'm going to bother you to submit a drawing to that one manga magazine. The crappiness of the fan art is incomprehensible. I'm still traumatized about this one picture of Edward.

**Disclaimer: **Tee-hee. You don't want me to own Fruits Basket after this chapter.

"And so it begins…" --Dru.

**Chapter 4: **

**The Dominatrix **

Kyo felt as if he was floating. Floating on a sea. Filled with tiny sea horses who were nibbling at his bare skin. This was the strange luxury that was cooked up by his mind. Kyo was sleeping, his brain lulled to a deadening paralysis by Kagura's eyes. He was experiencing a great fantasy; yes, it was his dream to be in a sea filled with tiny sea horses. But what was this? There are not only sea horses in this ocean…naked Tohrus? Yeah, man, yeah…Kyo was smiling. All the Tohrus and all the sea horses were pushing up against his body, it was so warm. The sea horses swarmed around his body, creating magical sea armor, and he was the god of all the tiny sea horses! Swathed in sea horses, he ascended to the oceans in the sky with his naked throng of beautiful women, and looked down upon the earth with the eyes of a god! Yes, he was a god! A god of the tiny seahorses! All cowered under his power and he shot sea horses to descend upon the earth and do his bidding, all followers of his great word, all idolized him, for he was the god of the tiny sea horses and demanded blood sacrifice to appease his will!

…unfortunately, as much as we'd like this to be a reality, it was not. This vision would soon abruptly end. How do we know this? Because we control the keyboards, duh.

Now, just as Kyo was going to end all earth life and replace it with a population of tiny seahorses, he felt a pain, rocketing up his thighs straight into his crotch, where it throbbed terribly and painfully. As his dream world began to evaporate, the pain gradually grew worse and worse, until it felt as if, almost, maybe, that someone was biting his penis. When he opened his eyes, this fear proved to be true.

As the world evaporated from the mists of sleep before his eyes, Kyo felt a little drool escape his mouth. Where was he? Why did he feel so numb? This ceiling above didn't seem familiar at all. Was that stain always there? Why was it growing bigger? Kyo didn't have a stain on his ceiling. He looked around. Weird room. Why were there leeks taped to the walls? He looked down. Now this was quite odd. A gigantic breast appeared to be pushing against his chin. Ah, well. These things happen. He looked back up. Now the stain appeared to have fungus growing on it. His stomach rumbled. Why was he so numb? Kyo tried to move his arms and legs, but something was holding him down. He struggled to flex his muscles, and as he did, something surged in his nipples, and he was launched through the vortex of time back into reality. Kyo blinked, his eyes now cleared. And he looked down. Where his crotch was supposed to be. Kyo screamed.



Let us, for a moment, pan our little story-camera out to the outside of the window of the room in which Kyo is now screaming his lungs off. While you cannot see through the window overgrown by leeks, us, as the evil writers we are, are going to momentarily deny you the sexual details of the current situation, and take the path down the humor lane to let you imagine what are the happenings inside the small growing-increasingly hot room. Yell and scream at us as you may, you cannot do anything, except maybe close this fic. Shall we?

"OH, GOD, WOMAN! WHAT'RE YOU DOING? WHERE AM I? AUUUUGH! PLAH! DEAR FUCKING GOD! YO-YOUR BREASTS! THEY'RE HUGE! THEY'RE LIKE….AAAAAAAAAAGUUGHGHGH! MY COCK, WHAT'RE YOU DOING TO MY PRECIOUS COCK! DON'T PULL ON THAT! NOOOOOO!"

A ripping noise tears its way across the air.

"N…no….how….HOW COULD YOU? RIP THEM OU---AH! DON'T CHEW ON IT! NO! NOT THE MOU—ahghhgjsdjsddgd….."

Kagura's voice floats through the silence like a dipshit in a crack house.

"Kyo….do you know, Kyo, how long I've waited for this moment? It gives me suuuuuuch pleasure…I've waited for so long. And now, Kyo, you're going to SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"Suck? WTF…NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! Wha…what're you…NO! I'M NOT GOING DOWN THERE! IT'S HOT AND STICKY AND GIVING OFF MORE WARM AIR THAN SHIGURE IN THE BATHROOM! NO! AUGH!"

A stoic silence reigns for a few moments, and then Kyo's trembling voice comes to our anticipated ears….

"You…you…how much…was that…Viagra…c-can we just, like, talk about this? Maybe?"

"No, Kyo. You know what I want. AND I WANT YOUR BODY! SUCK, BITCH, SUCK IT!"

A rather curious sound reaches our appalled hearing organs. It is the sound one normally hears when visiting a pleasant waterfall, a waterfall tumbling thousands of feet of a cliff. Or perhaps when we're watching a movie, and a dam breaks loose in a moment of climax. Or a great river overflows its banks. Whatever analogy we wish to use, there is only one problem with hearing this sound: it is coming from the very room we have our ears so eagerly pressed against to. A waterfall-like sound, only, there is no water in that room. There is, and we can verify this by looking at the strangely familiar substance leaking through the bottom of the doorway, only gallons and gallons of cum.

"AGUPHFLUT! DEAR JESUS TRIPPIN' IN HEAVAN! GALLONS AND GALLONS, MORE THAN CAN BE MADE UP BY THE MISSISSSIPPI! IT'S LIKE NIAGRA FALLS COMING OUT INTO MY FACE THROUGH A TINY STRAW!"

An evil chuckling sound is heard, and then more of this gushing noise ensues.

"HOLY HELL! I AM COVERED IN THIS STRANGE SUBSTANCE! I CANNOT FIT IT IN MY MOUTH LIKE THE TEACHERS CANNOT FIT ALGEBRA IN MY BRAIN!"

"Come, now, Kyo….you were born to do thissssssssssss….GET THE HELL IN THERE AND LICK ME!"

"Please! Have mercy! No, no, not the face! APSJDFJDFT! HOW MUCH DOES THAT VIAGRA DO TO YOU? I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING BURIED IN BATTERY ACID! THE STIMULENT HAS SO TURNED THIS STUFF INTO **ACID**! MY FLESH! IT'S EATING AWAY AT MY FLESH! AAAAAUUUGHGH!"

A whimpering silence.

"Wha..what's that? IS THAT A WHIP? MADE OF SAFETY PINS! AUGGUGU!"

A cracking sound is heard, followed by manly weeping.

"A-alright…I'll suck, I'll suck, just spare me the hot water!"

"Who said anything about hot water, dearest?"

Heh, heh, heh….

After that comment on Kagura's behalf, Kyo seriously began fearing for his life. He was in a position, better known as the 30-60-90, which he sincerely didn't want to be in. Moreover, a phenomenon resembling a fire hose was flooding in a jet-stream-like consistency into his face. And again moreover, he was being forced to drink this.

Kagura moaned and moaned with pleasure as Kyo tried desperately to get closer to her vaginal opening, his hair being pushed back from his forehead by the insane flow. Kagura's whip was thrashing down incessantly on Kyo's back, her fingers intertwined in his hair as if to rip it out of his head, and her moans completely overshadowed Kyo's blubbering.

As his eyelids were being stripped away by the river of cum now flowing out of Kagura, Kyo noticed that he was unable to breath. Not by the fact that he was drinking Kagura's bodily discharge for his life, but by the fact that two, bulbous pulsating swellings were in front of his face. Now, these watermelon size thingies were hanging down on top of his head, and they were indeed so large that Kyo could feel his neck crumpling beneath their weight. Reiterating upon his knowledge of the feminine body, he realized that, indeed, these squishy sacks were Kagura's breasts. And how they jiggled.

Kyo struggled and squirmed, managed to break the flow of the river and was able to take a breath of moist air before Kagura's whip pushed him back down. Kyo could not remember a time when he was more uncomfortable. Kagura's hand was forcing his head into the river and the flow, closer and closer to the source….her fingers pinched his cheeks, forcing his tongue out, and inserted it inside her vagina. Then, she took hold of his shoulders, and spun him. Kyo squeezed his eyes shut as a massive, massive torrent of cum came washing over him. His tongue felt like it was about to be ripped off, he couldn't feel his arms, and it felt like he had no hair. It seemed as if it would never end, he couldn't breath and his back was breaking underneath the weight of her breasts….then, as a dam breaks under pressure, a new wave of cum dislodged Kyo from Kagura and sent him hurtling across the room, breaking the leek barricade and plummeting him into the hallway.

For a moment, Kyo felt entirely numb as he stared through the doorway to Kagura who was now masturbating heavily with her safety pin whip. Kyo felt icy everywhere, but as his memories came flooding back to him, animal-like primeval instincts came rushing back to his conscious mind. So he did what any coward would do in a time of danger. He ran like a chicken with its head cut off.

**MoonDeity: **Ah…so much like wrestling…Anyway, in case you didn't know, and I think you do, a dominatrix is the dominant woman partner in a sadomasochistic relationship. Sadomasochism is the gaining of sexual gratification by simultaneously enduring pain and causing pain to somebody else. It is also the combination of sadistic and masochistic (sexual gratification achieved by humiliation and the acceptance of physical and verbal abuse) sexual tendencies. And don't worry: I can't pronounce any of those words either.


	5. It's Called Emotionally Scarred

**MoonDeity: **Hee-hee. And so it begins. I just love saying that. It makes me giggle.

"Look, I'm a sperm! Oh, I just love saying that word; it makes me giggle! Come on, say it with me! Sperm!" --Brogan's 8th Grade Science Teacher.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own a Fruits Basket DVD. I do not own Fruits Basket art. I do not own any interest in the series at all. So what makes you think I'd want to own the anime itself?

**Chapter 5: **

**It's Called Emotionally Scarred. **

The clock read 3:29 when Shigure and Ayame pulled up to the spa. They got out of the car, empty handed, for they had gone to a peep show instead of grocery shopping, and cautiously creeped into the spa.

"Do you think that was long enough?" Shigure whispered. "I don't hear any noises."

"Maybe she took the wrong cup," Ayame replied.

"She better not have! I spent all of my editor's money on that Viagra!"

"She's going to kill you if she finds out."

"Yeah, maybe, but she has a nice ass…"

The two cautiously crept up to the silent spa. All was quieter, silent, and slightly white tinted. Shigure looked at Ayame, who shrugged. Maybe their plan didn't work and no one took the Viagra after all. But yet…too quiet. Dangerously quiet.

As Shigure and Ayame turned to return to the strip club, a clattering was head, the sliding of doors, and then…

The two turned around and were met with a frightening sight. Kyo. Was standing in front of them, stark naked, sheet white, and covered with a two-inch thick layer of extra phlemy cum. Shigure's eyebrows shot up. Ayame nearly wet himself within his new fur coat. Kyo just stood there.

Covered in cum.

Naked.

He took a shuddering breath….and had a massive orgasm right then and there.

**MoonDeity: **In case you haven't figured this out yet, I really dislike Fruits Basket. This is why I might come down a little harshly on the characters within this fic. Terra likes Fruits Basket. Quite a bit, actually. So, talk to her, and not to me about whether or not I've properly outlined the characters. I did it to add a little something different. It's no everyday you get a fic in which the author hates the anime. Variety is the spice of life.


	6. Poor Tortured Kitty

**MoonDeity: **Wrestling meet…drool…what's better than guys, in spandex, fighting each other and rolling around on the ground? What is better? And don't say anime guys in spandex. I hunt fan girls for dinner.

**Disclaimer: **If I had wanted to own Fruits Basket, I'd have had it by now.

"Mmmm…cinnamon!" --Random Scribble.

**Chapter 6: **

**Poor Tortured Kitty **

The morning of the aftermath of the incident dawned surprisingly peaceful and clear. Sunlight flickered in transparent rays through the blinds of Shigure's room, where he was dressing for the day. As he messily arranged his hair, he thought of all the events that had come to pass.

Kyo had lost his virginity (finally!) to a totally aroused Kagura, who had collapsed in exhaustion after fucking him for fifteen hours straight. Ayame and Shigure had gotten their laughs and giggles, 'Hari was completely okay, and Yuki really was confused. They also had evilly squandered the images taken from the hidden cameras they installed in every room, posted them on the internet, and, as if that wasn't enough, merchandized their beloved Kyo (looking disturbingly stoned) onto several innocent products which had their own little push-cart venders and were doing quite well. For some reason. Kagura, after being carted away to a hospital, had remembered nothing and was going to be released earlier that afternoon. All seemed fine…except…oh yeah. Kyo was scarred for life. He refused to come out of his room, eat, or go to the bathroom. He just sat there hugging his pillow in bed with the blinds folded, mumbling things under his breath. Yuki, who had the room across from him, could here him late into the night, which meant he couldn't get to sleep. Ah, yes, things had indeed turned out well.

Shigure crossed over to his dresser and slipped a shirt over his head. Reaching for his underwear drawer, he yanked it open, and a small furry head popped out and stared at him. Shigure blinked at the tiny pointed ear thing. A rare Kasakhstanian Kickapoo screaming fox blinked back, and opened it's mouth.

"RAHAAAAAHAHADLDKJFYSYFHKEJROEYAAAAAA!"

And it disappeared inside the underwear drawer.

Shigure blinked again, closed the drawer, and decided not to wear his boxers that day.

Outside, a certain pushcart vendor stood blinking up at the Sohma household.

"I know my goddamned pen is here," he mumbled, pulling his hat low over his face. We'd tell you about the legendary quest for the purple pen, but our little vendor isn't that interesting, so we're going to skip it. What matters is that, he was there, in front of the Sohma household, bedecked in orange promotionary sales garments, and hanging onto a cart filled with Shigure's legendary merchandise. Kyo singing condoms.

Yes, these little orange glow in the dark laxatives had Kyo's face plastered all over them like a homosexual with a diaper rash. Not only this, but they had a motion activated jingle which played probably every three seconds. These condoms stood in a little pile on the vend cart, along with hats and shirts depicting Kyo naked and underneath Kagura, along with several coffee mugs and office supplies.

For some reason, our little push cart man, whom we will call Sir Dansu de Pantsu for the time being, had a certain grudge going down with this house and especially the orange-haired flamer inside. For god's sake, Dansu, just because you don't wax your back like Kyo does, doesn't mean you can go take revenge on his for stealing your girl's heart. But, you know him. As a male, Sir Dansu de Pantsu will take his vengeance. Even if that certain vengeance makes no particular sense.

Dansu puffed up his chest, clasped his hands around the push vendor….and took off pushing the cart ahead of his full throttle, running around in an insane circle around the Sohma household like Sonic. And as he ran, an oddly familiar tune issued out full blast from all the condoms on the cart.

AAAAAAALLL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL…..

Beloved childhood nursery rhyme? Not any more. As this full-barreled balled rose up into the sky, Kyo, who was in the middle of his hourly session of hugging his knees and weeping, heard it, became slightly upset.

"SHAAAAAADUUUUUUPPPPP!" ,he shrieked, flung open his window, and chucked a can of organic boysenberry soda with deadly accuracy at Sir Dansu de Pantsu. This hit him squarely in the groin, drilled into his balls, and popped his testicles out his throat. Dansu took one look at his semen factories waving from between his teeth, and fainted. Shigure in turn ran out of the house without any pants, grabbed an armload of singing condoms, and dashed back in.

Kyo spun around, furious, and crawled back into his bed where he lay hugging his knees to his chin. The room was so scary. Was it always this white? Everything was this white, ever since the thing with the place. Oh, god. Don't even say it.

Kyo pulled his covers up to his chin and stayed like that for a few minutes. Cautiously he popped his head back out, and found himself staring into small black eyes. A rare Kasahkstanian Kickapoo screaming fox stared him down. For a moment, Kyo thought it was cute, even as it threw up a busload of Kyo singing condoms in his face. Then it blinked, it's eyes glistened, and Kyo felt a certain throb deep inside him.

"RAAAAAAAAAASJEIRUERERJEEYAAAAAA!'

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

And so it begins….

The End

**MoonDeity: **Wow, was that the last chapter? I do believe it was. Well, Terra, I hope this has lived up to your expectations. Hope everyone who read this got some giggles. If it didn't, you can always beat me with a flaming tampon. The tampon ghost goes, "Mimimimimimimimimimimimimimi…."


End file.
